The Perception Problem

From Barack Obama to Halle Berry and Alicia Keys, the world is obsessed with mixed people. Because more and more people have biracial people in their families, they also feel more versed on the "issues" of mixed men and women. In a recent seemingly friendly conversation, I was first asked if I had identity issues as a child due to my mixed parentage. I said, No, I was raised to believe that I had the "best of both worlds" and grew to appreciate my African-American/Native-American and German cultures.

The group of African-American women in the conversation then said that the mixed people they knew (mostly family members) had identity issues. I suggested that they more than likely only had one parent around while growing up, and perhaps that parent was of the opposite race (meaning white) and didn't know how to expose them to their African-American heritage. In my experience, single parent households where the mother is white and the child is perceived as black often find it harder to ensure that the child is linked to their black culture. But NOT ALWAYS, let me be clear.

These women said that the mixed women they knew were raised in culturally-nurturing homes in which they were taught to appreciate their backgrounds yet STILL had identity issues. To me, this makes no sense. I am not blind to the fact that teenage angst and the search for self can lead ANYONE of ANY RACE to an identity crisis, but it seemed as though I was being made to feel that I had no idea what I was talking about. They said that simply being mixed caused identity crises no matter how nurturing and culturally-uplifting the upbringing. With this, I wholeheartedly disagree.

The onus of creating a home that cherishes "biraciality" lies squarely with the parents or guardians. And no matter how many "mixed friends" you have, you will never know what it feels like unless YOU ARE MIXED. I don't like the fact that people assume they know what it's like. Biracial people are now, more than ever, under the magnifying glass -- people want to know, think they know, but they are desperate for information from you to validate their preconceived notions. And when you don't -- sparks will fly!

In the end, I believe that every mixed person has a story, and most identity issues have nothing to do with race at all. If these mixed men and women have problems, they need to look behind the door of self-esteem and self-worth, not necessary just race. Although no one knows more than me what frizzy/curly/straight hair can do for your ego.

Through the Looking Glass

Ask any Mixie and she'll swear she can tell another gray (Black + White) Mixed person from a one-or-the-other upon sight. Not only that, she can identify their mix: White mom/Black dad or Black mom/White dad.

I don't know that the theory's ever been tested, but I will say that nine out of ten times, we can. While I hope we recognize each other by our hybrid Black-girl hair styles and our now-you-see-Black-now-you-don't facial features, I worry that there is another reason.

If I could step outside and watch me in a crowd, is a confused look on my face what sets me apart? I've never thought of myself as overly concerned with where I fit in based on my racial condition. If anything, my social anxieties are born from good old fashioned people issues.

It's not like we walk around brandishing nameplate necklaces, but there is some unexplainable sameness in the way we're different, even if only to each other. It's like finding the only server who speaks your language in a foreign restaurant. Relief. Reassurance.

Still, given how ethnically ambiguous we can look, I'd like to understand what makes it so obvious. In reality, is it as obvious as we say or just lucky wishful thinking?

Italatina

You will be held accountable for being brown or pink or beige or brown with pink polka dots. At some point, in a crowd of sames, you'll become different -- the spotlight blinding you as you try to locate the nearest exit. You'll know when it's happening because you'll be overcome with overwhelmed and you'll suddenly feel like you've been exposed as a liar.

If you are Mixed, are you obligated to be both? 

A friend told me a story this morning; in three sentences she summed up the Mixed kid experience. She shared how she was burdened by the world's expectations respective to her mixed heritage. Everyone else had checked the box for her and she was now being held accountable for their assignment. To their disappointment, she didn't fit into the box they wanted her to; never resistant or stubborn to the other side, the circumstances of her life guided her along one cultural path as opposed to the other.

I had one of the best race conversations ever with a UES (Upper East Side). She took off the gloves and I dropped the armor so that we could figure some things out together. She asked me things like, Why don't you have extensions like [insert Black girl here]? and Why do you look so different from your mother? She flat-out touched my hair (I guess she'd been wanting to do that for a while) and touched hers at the same time. I'm not sure how she felt about what she felt, but it must have answered the question because she stopped staring at my hair when she talked to me from that moment on.

There were more questions which I answered with questions comparing my differences to her own differences from her family. That might have been a punk move. Maybe I was trying to make it more palatable for her? Less uncomfortable for me?

I never asked her a single question about what it was like to be White. Was I supposed to?

Racial identity bears a particular burden. Yeah, Spiderman...blah blah blah...power...great responsibility. The burden lies in the expectations. How you look, how you talk, who you talk to -- all things, to some degree, we try to fit in cultural boxes. As soon as someone does something that doesn't fit...

Being Mixed is like being an obvious square which, once you get close to it, you realize that it has rounded edges. Blurry and soft, you want to touch them just to know what they feel like. I'm not complaining, I'm explaining. Oh, poor little Mixed girl trapped in a one-or-the-other world...

It's not even like that. All I'm saying is that I want to be the one to tell you who the hell I am. 

You just shut up and listen.

Uncomfortable Situations....

Being biracial has PLENTY of privileges. People think you look exotic, they are kinder to you than they might normally be because they aren't sure if you're a minority (HA! Only half-kidding), etc.

But what about the times where a person doesn't realize that you're half black?!! How do you deal with people when they're being racist and want you to join in? I have two recent examples that happened to me. In the first, the person knew I was black, in the second, I am not so sure.

1. I go out to get my mail. I live in an apartment building, so people are often gathered at the mailbox, chatting up neighbors with small talk. This day, my white female neighbor is going OFF about the "russian mail lady" who was rude to her. She kept saying she was "russian" and "lazy." I didn't know what to do! I felt so uncomfortable with her hate speech but clearly a lesson in ethics wasn't going to sink in with her. So I just smiled and walked away.

2. I'm in a parking lot, waiting for a woman to back out of a space. Another man gets blocked in because she's not doing a good job of backing out. He rolls down his window and yells "Move it! Learn how to drive!" and then proceeds to look at me and say (to me) "She thinks she's in Mexico still! Right?!" -- seemingly waiting for me to agree to his hateful comment! Again, I just ignored him and drove on.

But is it our responsibility to say something here? Or do people never learn?

Badge of Honor?

I was thinking this morning about how I identify myself racially. Do Mixed (yes, I'm capitalizing Mixed like I capitalize White and Black) people cling to being Mixed as if some sort of last-ditch effort to dilute the offensiveness of their almost-Blackness. This keeps you in the safe zone -- not too Black, not too other-than-Black. This also positions you with steady footing in both groups -- makes it easier to be not-White to Whites and too-White to Blacks. When in trouble, flash the badge and get a pass.

I talk with my Mixed friends about how back in the day, Mixed wasn't as hot as it is now. I'd say the 90's did it for us. Maybe because that was the light-skinned era and being Mixed was like a unique twist on light-skinned. Like understandable light-skinnededness. (Wow, that really was a legitimate way/reason to use that ridiculous term!).

Now that Mixed is okay, having gone through its exotic phase and settling into normal, have mixies settled into how to identify themselves? Of the Mixed people I know, most identify themselves more strongly with their Blackness. One of the most lucid things I ever heard came from an incredibly brilliant White friend in high school: No one sees you on the street and thinks that you're White, regardless of how mixed you are. No matter what, the world sees you as some sort of not-White, so just be that. 

That hit me in the face like an anvil.

When we were little, we were curious little curly-haired creatures who stood out in crowds, in the classroom, in our own homes. 

When we were adolescents, we were righteous, defensive, and determined to prove something, but still struggling to be accepted equally on both fronts. 

In college, we picked a side because the men wanted us more, people rarely asked questions about our hair or skin, and hell, all Black people are trying to answer some question(s) in college. No Where do I fit in...because I'm Mixed?, just WHERE THE HELL DO I FIT IN?

As adults, we're starting families and raising ethnically ambiguous children. We're getting jobs slotted for diversity candidates, but we're speaking out and claiming our rights equally with our peers of all colors. As adults, we have little need to flash the badge. By this point, it's corners are tarnished and the cheap leather case is peeling. You see, we never really needed the badge to begin with -- it was the onlookers who needed a safe zone, a way to understand us. We get it now.

Hairy Situation (AGAIN)

Going back through old elementary school pictures (hell, COLLEGE, who am I kidding?!), I am amazed at how anyone was my friend at all during certain times. I still feel like taming my hair is a battle, but there are times in my past where my hair simply had a mind of it's own. Do people simply take it for granted that mixed kids don't know how to do their hair? And who are these mixies who have this gorgeous, long, flowing curly hair that can just be washed and dried perfectly?! Why does mine get so frizzy!?!?

Oh well. Better than being bald. :-)

Rush Limbaugh, et al.

So this week, Rush Limbaugh announced that he hopes President Obama "fails" and that we are only being "forced" to support our new president because he's black. And actually he said because "he has a black father" not because he's "black."

To me, this was such a stupid thing to say since NO ONE looks at him that way. He's trying to eliminate the "black" factor by attributing his skin color to a relative to erase the fact that Barack himself is a minority. I don't get it. If you have a black father in this country, then you are considered BLACK. Period.

It brings us back to the conundrum of being racially mixed in this country. People are so confused by this and (politics aside) people like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter (who says that mixed celebrities deny their white parents) have no clue how to deal with bi-racial people on a sensible level. Their hatred is so ingrained that they can't even make logical arguments without interjecting hate speech.

Again, and I always say this, but if America was so keen on just putting any black person in office, Jesse Jackson or Alan Keyes would have been elected president long ago. Hell, why not Mr. T? He was a great member of the A-Team and everyone loves him! No. We elected the most qualified of two candidates and America's got to confront their fears and deal with it.

But I digress. This blog is about being mixed. I know these next few generations will continue to struggle with this issue because we aren't easily put in boxes of racial classification. But I think we're growing. Everyday. At least I hope so.